Rosy

I lifted my head up from my hands to see an old man with a beard and chalk covered hands talking to a chalkboard.  He was trying to convince the chalkboard of a proof that is proven, has been proven, and will continue to be proven.   He couldn’t convince me.  I knew my eyes were red.  I can only wipe away so many tears without causing too much of a scene to force the old bearded man to end his persuasion.  I looked to my left.  Then to my right.  There it is, Johnny, there’s your escape.  I grabbed my black backpack and darted past one person and turned up the aisle and out the door.

Glimpses of building and fellow Gaucho on left and right flashed in my mind in a storm that I can only liken to Delirium Tremens.  I despise those happy fratty guys drinking pitchers on a Wednesday.  I despise those happy girls headed down to the beach on a sunny afternoon.  I despise happiness.  I despise anything happy.  I look back down at my shuffling feet.

Fuck, there’s my house.  There’s home.  I slow down as I get close to the door.  Jingling my keys.  Hoping I can make it straight to my room as I have made it home from class.  Eyes red and watering, keys turn left.  Door clicks…Fuck.

I’m sorry Geoffrey.  I thought I could deal with this better.  I thought I could handle what was happening, but I can’t right now.  It’s really hitting me hard.  My eyes began to tear more as I looked at Geoffrey, imagining what he was doing to that beautiful girl that used to be mine.  I can’t control the tears anymore.  I can’t say anything else, but ‘Sorry.’  I lift my head to see Naj for one second before stomping towards my room like Jeremy Piven; Short and full of pride.

I turned the corner, out of Geoffrey and Naj’s sight and I slowed down to the ground and grabbed my shins.  I finally show the man I am.  I am a weak man who cannot handle the consequences of his own actions.  I am a cowardly man who cannot tell Geoffrey that he is a bad friend.  I am a sad man without a girlfriend or bestfriend.

I slowly bring my focus up from the tips of my toes to the door knob, knowing I can be alone in my room.  But, I’m insatiable.  I will not allow myself to feel this way for one hour longer.  Matt wasn’t in the room, so I did not have my confidant.  ‘Damn him,’ I think as I change my beat up vans for my beat up Nike’s.  No!  No, I do not need to deal with this depression for the rest of the day.  Fuck Geoffrey and Fuck Naj for being so fucking buddy buddy with that shitty fucking friend.

Full of pride I walk out into the hallway wearing the shirt that Geoffrey’s new special lady friend bought me.  I hate Geoffrey.  I hate Naj.  All I need to sustain is nature, and I’m off.  ‘Guys, I’m going on a hike to clear my head.  I’ll be back later.’  I turn my gaze over to Naj.  Goddammit, I am such a fucking bitch when it comes to that girl and Geoffrey.

I open the front door, give a deep stare into their eyes, and say goodbye.  I’m sitting in the cut up leather of my 2000 Volvo S40.  The engine is sputtering.  God, or , Dog, get me out of here.  The ma..boy who is giving it to the wo..girl I love is a hundred feet away and I might fucking kill him with my bare hands.

My Volvo starts and I’m pulling out of our parking space.  I turn left and then left and then right…and I’m out!!  I’m out of Isla Vista.  Geoffrey haunts my mind as I head towards the mountain.  Guys just aren’t the same as they used to be.  My brother is disgusted, but that doesn’t really matter.  Or does it??  I don’t know.

The only thing I need from you now is solitude.  My foot, full of lead anger, pushes me higher up the mountain towards solitude.  My mind, filled by Geoffrey and Jack, is fighting itself.  Faster, Johnny, you can make the next turn faster.  I look down to my right and see my mother is calling my phone.  NOT NOW! Not now..  I can’t deal with such a pure heart right now.  Mine is dark and broken.  I don’t want any reason to be swayed by my actions or decisions right now.  I know I will make it to the bottom of the mountain and see his goddamn smirk again, laying on my couch, thinking about that goddamn girl.

And then?  And then I’ll storm out of the house and see her face.  Her beautiful face.  Her interesting face framed by that long hair.  That face with the knowledge and experience of pain and defeat.  I love…

No, Johnny, look at this turn coming up.  This will be solitude.  This will end this silly pain about this silly boy and silly girl.  And, nobody will really care about your absence.  I smile knowing they will.  Thinking about my mother, wishing she had called sooner.  Thinking about my father, wishing he had told us the truth.  My foot pushes harder towards the floor as I look straight towards the edge of the cliff imagining my fall from Grace.  Me alone.  Into a canyon.

I’m ready, Johnny, I think..

BUZZ.. I have one new voicemail from my mother.  That buzz was a bath of clarity.  My mother is the woman in my life.  My brother is the man in my life.  I have this life to live for them.  My hands jerk to the right and my foot lets up off the gas as I continue up the mountain towards solitude.

After some swerves and jerks that I remembered from my days on the course, I was there.  I reacted to it.. ‘Hello, solitude, I am happy to be with you today.’  I take two long strides onto the path my body cannot stop me now.  My mind is running and my legs seem to be catching up.  I dart up hills, down hills, around trees, underneath trees.  I am elusive.  Nothing can catch me.  No girl. No boy. No Tree.. No b

Shit, Shit did I get stabbed?  What was that?  I twist my head back to my right.  I had just come out of a tunnel of forrestry and they finally got me.  My feelings finally caught up and tore a hole in my sleeve.  I guess I should stop wearing it there.  My ethereal sprint comes to a stop as I stare at the culprit.

I felt so free.  Why did you do that to me? Bush? Tree? Vine?

Fuck you!

My left foot turns forward.  I rub my right shoulder once and I’m back.  I’m running.  My problems are far behind me, they have to be.  They can’t Keep-up with me.  Tall flowers surround me left and right and a steep downhill in front of me.  Fuck, Johnny, are you going to fall?  I’m already 3 feet down this shit…oh shit..no shit I can make it.

I’m at the bottom of a dessert downhill drainpipe hands on my side, wheezing.  Slowly, I lift my head up.

I see two huge rocks that sit atop Santa Barbara and a view between them that made me smile.  Nothing is here.  Nobody is here.  Beauty exists all around, free of human interference.

My happiness should be free of human interferance, but it’s not.  It never will be.  I love that girl.  I envy that boy.  I look up to that man.  I respect that woman.